Second

There is someone out there for me. Who or where or when she is, I do not know. All I know is I've had dreams of her my entire life.

In these dreams she's usually someone different, has a different body, but all in all I get the same feeling from her.

Whether or not she's the same soul in a different body, or I just had similar experiences with different people I do not know. But it is surely something to think about.

All my life, all of the encounters with various different women.. I have been searching for her. Wondering is this the girl? Is this the one I remember? Does/Will she remember me?

Having that in mind every time I meet someone new, it almost ruins the relationship between me and the new person.

Around 2004 ish.. I met a man online named Isaac. Before I met him, I assumed I was the smartest Gypsy around. After I met him I felt I was the second smartest Gypsy around. After I met his wife I felt like I was the third smartest Gypsy around, and after I met his sister I felt like the fourth smartest Gypsy around. Eventually he had a son... Who I had a feeling would replace me as the fourth smartest Gypsy around.. And so on.

I was intrigued by his wisdom. Everything he said was as if he knew what I was thinking, and just one upped me.

Nothing I could do fazed him. Everything he did fazed me.

I was so used to being so different that to see someone like me, but further advanced.. It was the best thing since sliced bread.

I instantly gained humility for the first time in my life. But to only those few people. To the rest of the world I still felt more significant.

Isaac became my best friend. Someone I would always look up to. Someone I thought I could trust with my life if need be.

I looked forward to talking to him. Always trying to one up him in some way, and show off something that I can do that I thought he couldn't. But at every turn he was there years before me.

I thought I could play guitar well.. Then to find out he's been in countless bands, and is better than anyone I know.

I thought I knew philosophy.. Until he showed me his own.

I thought him to be the long lost older brother I never had.

One day his sister came online on his name.

Her name was Krystal.

Me being the womanizer I was at the time, thought of her as another piece of meat.

Not exactly.. I had respect because it was Isaac's sister.. But I assumed her to be just like any other girl.

Once I saw her picture on her display.. I fell for her right then and there. She was (and is to this day) the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I had to get to know her. I had to have her for my collection.

I applied the same game to her that I applied to every other girl. I attempted to cast my fishing line and reeled in.

Except when I cast my fishing line in the water, all that came back was the bate. Mangled and twisted but still on the hook.

She was the first girl to ever turn me down in the way she did.

Any other girl that had turned me down in the past had basic reasons for turning me down.

Just see as friends, like someone else, already have a bf, etc.

It happened rarely, but when it happened it was understandable.

Krystal on the other hand turned me down not because of anything physical... but because I was not mentally at her level.

I was older than her physically, but I was too young for her mentally.

Which to me was odd because that was my excuse for turning down every other girl who liked me.

I felt myself to be superior to everyone and here this girl actually was superior to me. She didn't just say it, she proved it.

Just like Isaac, this girl... this woman I should say... showed me every way that made her older than me.

I was hooked on her. I needed her. She was the one, and that was it.

I was not her type. And her type was mature. And her type did not exist yet. Except only in her brother. Who was more mature than I thought I could ever be.

So... I spent the next 4 years in solitude, in my own thoughts, attempting to become what she would want. Not just to change myself for HER but because I felt that what she wanted... was what I needed to become regardless.

I felt it was a win/win situation. Grow up and get the girl. It was a flawless plan.

We rarely talked, Krystal and I.. But when we did it was always deep and meaningful conversations.

At least to me at the time.

Krystal would come online once every 4 to 6 months. But it was a string. Every day for about a week or two each time.

I would save the conversations and read them back religiously... to see if I made a mistake and to learn from it.

I took it way too seriously in hindsight.

We made plans (Isaac, Krystal and I) to go to Ohayocon. An Anime convention.

They lived in Texas, and I live in Cleveland, and Ohayocon is in Columbus. 2 hour drive from me, but they have to take a plane.

They didn't mind though. Loved Anime, and all that it represented. Wanted to go badly.

December 2007

I was so excited. I pre-purchased my ticket, and just had to wait for January 3rd 2008.

During this time Krystal and I got very close. After four years of getting inside her mind, and figuring out her formula of thinking, I finally changed myself to be what she would have wanted.

Not exactly, but very close with potential to go further.

She appeared to be recognizing this slowly..

We would talk till 6 or 7 in the morning every night on MSN.

Then on December 28th I believe.. Isaac and I were discussing travel plans. I was purchasing my bus ticket and he was purchasing his plain ticket.

On another conversation window I was talking to Krystal at the same time.

This is both of their conversation windows.

Jeff says:

arrival time at 11:55pm, 5:45pm, or 9:05pm

Jeff says:

which would u say

Jeff says:

ur the one drivin all that way, you could guestimate when u'll get in better than me

Jeff says:

11:55am **

Isaac says:

11:55pm

Jeff says:

latest is 9:10pm and 1:25am

Isaac says:

Guess I can shoot for am, lol

Jeff says:

lmao

Isaac says:

I'll just have to use my time controlling abilities

Jeff says:

lmao

Jeff says:

yes I know it was a stupid question

Jeff says:

lol

Jeff says:

9:10pm, or 1:25am lol

Isaac says:

am

Jeff says:

k

Jeff says:

return schedule, what time you think you'll leave monday

Isaac says:

From here?

Jeff says:

from there

Jeff says:

when u go back

Isaac says:

Not sure

Jeff says:

4:10am, 8:30am, 1:55pm

Jeff says:

doubt you'll leave later than 2:20pm

Now at roughly the same time this was Krystal's conversation window

krystal rae says:

think i had too much ice cream

Jeff says:

lol what kind

krystal rae says:

i put cookie crisp pieces in it

krystal rae says:

butter pecan

Jeff says:

o_o

Jeff says:

nice

krystal rae says:

*sick*

Jeff says:

lmao

krystal rae says:

I have some things to do afterwards, in Pennsylvania. So I wont be coming back this way for a bit.

Jeff says:

o_o

Jeff says:

wha

Jeff says:

damn it why am I always right =\

Krystal went offline... and that was the last I spoke to her.

This is part of the continued conversation in Isaac's window.

Jeff says:

sigh

Jeff says:

I'm inclined to ask

Jeff says:

wtf

Jeff says:

did u just screw up, or was that intentional

Isaac says:

Intentional, and a bit of boredom

Jeff says:

may I ask

Jeff says:

why

Jeff says:

all these years

Jeff says:

wtf

Isaac says:

Something about controlling one's life and thoughts. Somewhat..godlike.

Jeff says:

Is sara even real

Isaac says:

Shall this be where the curtain closes? I'm beginning to grow tired of this mindless act.

Jeff says:

Yes please explain

Jeff says:

Is ur name even isaac

Jeff says:

obviously aiden doesn't exist

Jeff says:

And you were right

Jeff says:

I did have the answer already

Jeff says:

just....hoped I was wrong

Isaac says:

You arent the first one, but the most interesting. You were too dependent on what wasnt real though, knowing the truth but believing a lie. That's not fun.

Jeff says:

True

Jeff says:

I've known for years...

Jeff says:

Just...like I said....didn't want it to be true

Jeff says:

but go on

Jeff says:

explain..please

Isaac says:

Animes do not exist, but the stories are intriguing. You want to believe, it even becomes apart of you. Changing you. Change is real, if I changed one person, then mission accomplished.

And basically that was that..

The last 4 years of my life were a complete and utter lie.

I had lived all that time, basically spent my entire teenage years living for Krystal, trying to be what she wanted me to be, but... she did not exist.

I do not regret it though. It was a learning experience. A very long learning experience. It was fun while it lasted..

But there's another side to the story I did not tell..

My family did not like the idea of me going to Columbus all by myself. I had just turned 18 at the time though so I was very rash and did not care about anything but getting my way.

I was forced to move out of my mother's house and with my grandparents who told me if I went, I would not have a place to stay when I get back.

I didn't care. I only wanted to see Krystal. I would do anything just to see her.

I gave up my family, my car (which was really nice by the way), my computer, my entire life.. Just to see this woman I loved.

It's a good thing he wasn't that heartless to make me go and find out there was no one coming. That would have been disastrous. Fortunately I made up with my family just in time and got everything back..

But now I have no purpose. I modeled my life to that life, and now it's gone. So what do I do now? That was my thoughts.

At the moment I still really don't know, but I'm takin it one step at a time.

Whenever, wherever, whoever that girl really is. The one from my dreams.. This is for her to know how much I care. And that I'm waiting for her. Patiently and happily.

Till next time

-Jeff

First

I have absolutely no idea what to write here. First blog post, so many ideas...so many thoughts... I think I'll just write exactly what comes to mind as it first comes to mind.

I am Jeffrey Ely. I sing, I play guitar, I like philosophy and science and church. Weird combo but not really.

I have no idea who I really am.

I go through life... this life... this thing..what ever it is.. doing things and I don't know who or what I am. I wonder in certain situations who I am and why I'm doing what ever it is I'm doing.

I have many deep rooted issues that come from a lot of things. I could get into it, but the end result is that they are now my issues and no one elses.

What ever the reason, the cause behind them... that is in the past, and now that I recognize these issues and where they come from, it is up to me to fix/solve them.

I pray to God... whoever that is. I have no idea really. People get so pissed off about different ideas of Him/Her/It/That... I really don't care bout holy/sacred texts that tell us of who He is..

I find great peace and comfort in a few of the verses of the Bible. I can't say that I've read the Koran, or any other holy book.. so I can not judge.

But I would assume it's basically the same as the bible, but different deity's names are changed around, and their miracles might vary.

But in the end it's the same... My God is bigger than your god. I capitalize My God, but leave your god small, lowercase and insignificant.

I honestly don't believe any of it. I feel there's something more to it. I feel they're on the right track though... But not for the reason they think.

I feel this super amazing awesome life force called God. I feel Him. I know He is there. I say He because I have no idea whether He is a She or an It or a Whatever, but for the sake of saving time... and so I don't have to keep typing He/She/It/That.... I'll just say He.

I feel Him all around me all the time. Well not all the time, but because of my own fault not His.

I know He see's me, and feels me. I know We are probably the same person/thing. Whether that makes him less amazing or me way more amazing I do not know.. But I do know that He and I exist and have a connection very very deep.

He always does what I ask, and never lets me down. Problem is there's stuff He wants me to do that I rarely/never do.... That is very mean and cruel, and makes it seem like He's my horse.. And in a way the way I treat Him....He kinda is.

And I feel bad about that. But not bad enough to actually do something about it. Why? I have no idea... I am a very lazy and sinful person. Slothful.. I can barely find the energy to sit back on my chair and type with my wireless keyboard in my lap while staring at the screen with a very plain, lifeless, Steven Hawking stare... Let alone fulfill the only requests of the life force who gives me strength and keeps me safe..

He does not ask for much at all.. In fact the only things he really asks of me would benefit me only. I can't imagine Him asking something of me that would benefit Him as well. I can't imagine anything benefiting him, considering he is the very definition of the word benefit..

He has everything he could want...and if he doesn't.... he has it now because he just thought of it.

So how then can I help someone who doesn't need help? By helping myself.

That's all He asks....to clean my room, to work out, to not be mean to my mother, to tell someone on the street that it's gonna be okay and that God will take care of it, that God has their back...

The things He asks of me are well within my power to do....but I don't. WHY?


Why....


Why?

I have an idea...

I must be Satan...

Or a spawn of his..

No that's silly... or is it?

Is it really? Yes it must be because I just said so...?

No.. I'm not really the spawn of/or actually am Satan..

I am not because I feel the love of God upon me. Never giving up. But why then does it take me so long to do something I should do soooooooo fast....

If you figure that one out, and how to solve it... I'll be in your debt.

Till next time
-Jeff