Boy am I glad I wrote all this shit down

So... It's January 22, 2018.

It's been 2 full years since my last post. And 10 full years since that whole Isaac Krystal ordeal.

And about 6 and a half, 7 years since the time I overdosed on Spice.

So here's some key things I learned very recently.

1. When I overdosed, I had some sort of seizure or stroke. This caused me semi permanent brain damage. The trauma from the hallucinations and the psychosis caused me to inwardly collapse. In a sense, I almost died that day. And the tiny bits of "me" that were still left, were slowly dying as the years went on. I lost "myself" that day in May 2011. 

That's why in my last post I said:

“I think my memory is going.

It's becoming harder and harder for me to remember things. Important things. Things that make me "me". 

I need to start writing more. Longer, detailed posts that I can read back years later. Just like I'm probably doing right now some time in 2020.”

Because my memory was actually going. I forgot that I knew my memory was going at some point I just lost who I was.

2. Lion's mane mushroom is a miracle that drug companies don't really like because you can't patent it. I started taking Lion's mane mushroom about a week ago. Within hours I felt amazing. Yes it could be the placebo effect because Lion's mane takes a few weeks to fully kick in but... honestly I doubt it. Because the main reason I started taking it was to cure my HPPD. A physical condition resulting from the loss of brain cells caused by the overdose. My vision was bad. I went to an eye doctor to check them out he said they were fine. Only other explanation is that it was a brain issue. I would see millions of little white sparks like mini mosquitos in my field of vision at all times. Always there but blending in with the background. Didn't notice it much unless I look at the sky. Now it's still there but way less apparent. Another thing is that when I look at objects, they stay burnt on my retina and take a lot longer to go away than usual. Since taking Lion's mane, this has gone down significantly.  It's still there. Definitely. But I can tell sooner or later it will cure it. It's because of Lion's mane's NGF content. I'll leave you to Google that. I don't want to make this post about it.

The next amazing thing that happened that I didn't even expect was memory restoration.

I remember things I forgot. That bit about me forgetting important things that make me "me"? Well yeah I'm remembering now.

To me this is the most amazing and unbelievable thing that could ever happen to me.

It all started with my obsession for nootropics.

ODDLY enough it was Isaac who introduced me to the idea of nootropics in 2013 that led me down this path. So I guess I owe him my life. Literally. That bastard... He toyed with me for 4 years, and then made up for it by being the sole cause of my restoration.

Eh what ever.

I had a point to this..

Some things happened in the last 2 years that changed me completely. Again.... 

So I won't get into it because my future self reading this back knows exactly what I mean. (Key words to remember if somehow you forget: WE WERE A FUCKING ASSHOLE)

You.... We.... I.... well I honestly think this version of us was a result from the brain damage. But you're further along in the story than I am and you're nodding in agreement reading this with more knowledge on the subject. I'm sure you figured a lot of things out. 

The brain damaged version of us caused a lot of havoc and ruined peoples lives.

He... took the best parts of us and used it for evil... He manipulated and pulled strings to fulfill his own sick fantasies... I've always been strange but.... this was strange even for me.

I consider that to be my darkest time. 

Who knows... Future me.. You might be regretting worse things. I hope not.

So.. I got kicked out of Canada. As a result of this destructive behavior.

I was left on the street to fend for myself. I caused Samantha a lot of heart break.

I became an Uber driver for about 9-10 months.

I had over 10,000 conversations during that time which I attribute to much of my intellectual growth. Even though I was brain damaged during those conversations. New neurons were built and stimulated although I craved the old ones.

I talked with CEO's of major corporations. Programmers. Engineers. Scientists. Psychologists. I got an education in that car in 9 months that I believe taught me more than the previous 26 years.

Every day for my lunch break I would watch Shark Tank. It got to the point where I knew so much about business and I knew Mark, Kevin, Robert, Lori, Barbara and Daymond so well that I was predicting all of their responses.

I know Kevin loves licensing deals and is a soft hearted asshole who buys wine and has no problem telling someone how dumb he thinks they are unless he feels he can make money. Then he goes from asshole to ass kiss, he has a soft spot for people who are soft but are forced to be cold. Barbara takes risks when she hears something she doesn't understand but everyone else seems to know. She figures billions have been made on tech she hasn't the faintest clue how it works, and if 2 or more sharks agree, she'll bite. She has a soft spot for young geeks and she's a major cougar.  Daymond loves black people lmao okay that's racist but if you're reading this Daymond tell me it's not true... He will give favor to a black entrepreneur because that spirit reminds him of himself and I guess he always just wanted a chance before he got one. 

My hand is cramping up hard to type.

Long story short i grew in street smarts.

Now im learning progamming and machine learning to implement my ideas

my goal is AI

I want to see how long it takes to create it after this post. Will update asap

The Empire Strikes Back

I've been watching Star Wars with Samantha the last week. She's never seen them until now. The Force Awakens is in theatres and I would like to go see it. I can't see it without her, it's mean.

I'm thinking a lot. About the past. It's a thing I do. I've been smoking too much weed lately. But when ever I stop, I seem to be getting stupider. I may be addicted.

I've been back in Vancouver for over a year. Had my reasons for leaving. I was on top of the world for a minute. Now I'm back at the bottom of the barrel. It's strange. I can't seem to understand why I always fall into this pit. I get really motivated for a short period of time and make a lot of progress and then I just stop caring about it all after a few mishaps. I suppose it's strengthened me after all this time. I just can't believe it's been almost 6 whole years since I met my father. And that it's been almost 3 years since I left him at a gas station in Vegas. Life sure is strange.

I'm 26 years old. Time is flying so fast. I've had this dream of being a famous musician since I was 16. In the last 10 years I didn't move any closer to my goal. I've become a better musician, definitely. But I have not accomplished my goal. Am I a failure? I promise a lot but really only rarely ever deliver. I can't say I'm a failure because I have actually done some pretty amazing things. I've made more money than most people make in a lifetime. But I've also spent it. I'm tired of repeating the same cycle. I need to find my purpose. And then serve it.

I think my memory is going.

It's becoming harder and harder for me to remember things. Important things. Things that make me "me".

I need to start writing more. Longer, detailed posts that I can read back years later. Just like I'm probably doing right now some time in 2020.

Just a note to my older self: I'm glad you finally found your purpose. And I'm glad you're finally happy. Please remember to enjoy the time you have. I know you're thinking about me right now. I'm thinking about you. Would be nice to be able to have a 2 way conversation so that I can learn what you know and be proud of you the way you're proud of me, but I guess I'll just have to take the long way around to meet you.


Basically 2015 was a whole year remembering what I did in June and July 2014.

Here's to 2016 being productive, happy, and blessed.


tl;dr I got remarried to Samantha, I closed a 500k contract, got 150k cash out of it, it went sour, spent all the money, I moved back to Vancouver, and I'm now reflecting on life.

Evolving

So to sum it up..

The last 3 years, I worked in a pizza shop, quit my job, founded my own recycling company, had a convertible Mercedes, made almost a million dollars, lived in a mansion, lived every corner of this country (NY, Miami, Houston, Las Vegas, LA, Seattle, Chicago, Cleveland, Philly, NJ and everywhere in between) , took a drug that made me hallucinate and freak out for two years, went to therapy for it, got married, moved to Canada, went broke, sold my car, got divorced and now I'm writing this in my mother's house where I first began, but my little sister has my old, bigger room and I have her room.

What did I learn from this experience?

I'm broken, bruised, battered, and weathered but I'm stronger, refined, more in touch with who I am, and realistic in my goals and desires.

I'm warm, tender, but in no way a pushover.

I used to be naive, and too easy going.

I let people walk over me, and take what they wanted because I was the nice guy.

I let people control my emotions, and trick me, and lie to me, and I happily believed their lies.

Now I'm still that nice guy but I've seen so much in these last three years that I doubt anyone could ever pull the wool over these eyes again.

But who knows. The one thing I've really come to learn is you never truly know anything or anyone.

I have a lot of regrets. A lot of missed opportunities. A lot of bad decisions that I've made.

But they all turned me into who I am currently.

And I'm just healing. I'm in the healing phase of an extreme culture shock.

I went from so many different lifestyles and situations and cities and houses that my mind is still adjusting to it all and digesting the information I've crammed into this brain of mine.

I hope to one day get back on my feet.

I want a house, I want my car back, I want to be able to support a family again.

I can't even support myself right now.

And it's all because of one bad move after another.

Maybe I should get a simple 10 dollar an hour job for now to get my mind back in order.

I'll update in a year or so when I've gotten myself back together.

Can't keep a good man down for long.

Reading my old posts and this post now comparing them, I seem to really have matured a lot.

But I don't know if that's a good thing.

U

A lot has happened this past year.

The details are boring.

The result is a much happier person.

I used to hate life... Now I adore it.

I used to throw it away... Now I cherish every second.

The previous posts were the delusional ramblings of a spoiled yet sheltered child.

This child is in the process of growing up and re-learning.

I went on a quest... A journey through my mind.

I saw some very disturbing and frightening things inside there.

I came out bruised, battered, terrified, but okay.

I'm healing nicely.

I finally got what I wanted... Which was a way out of my depression.

I've been blessed.

I searched for truth. I found something better. The ability to not ask questions.

The ability to be content with just "this".

Truth is a crazy thing..

Everyone's looking for it, but does it exist?

What can be truth?

In order to search for the "truth".. That must mean you understand that something is a "lie".

What is it about our life that causes us to search for more?

Why do we require "truth", when what's in front of us is beautiful as it is.

I used to say what's in front of us is a lie... But it's not.

What is, is.

We don't need to know beyond "this".. Because "this" is hard enough to handle on it's own.

I think that's what Jesus was trying to explain to us.

Matthew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Double meaning... Don't worry about literally tomorrow because today has enough problems.... And don't worry about the after life because this life has enough head aches and is hard enough to understand..

I asked some serious questions to God... I asked the toughest questions that our race has.

And that's the answer I got.

I got that answer many times before but was not satisfied with it.

So I pushed and pushed and pushed.

I eventually got Him to give in a little bit...

He showed me a small taste of the answers I sought and it almost destroyed me.

Short version.. I'm content with this life.

I'm happy to be alive.

I'm happy that I exist.

I'm happy.

And grateful.

And amazed at how awesome God is.

He gave me someone at the perfect time...

He sent someone to me when I needed her most...

He gave me the woman of my dreams.

She's so beautiful. Her soul is a gem.

She comforts me on a level that no one in the world ever has, or could.

She understands me.

She's seen the worst sides of me and stood firm.

She'll always be there for me.

And for that, she receives all the love that exists in my soul.

I will hold nothing back from her. I will spare no expense for her happiness.

I hold her so dear to my heart.

I consider her "The One".

I consider her to be mine.

and I am hers.

I'm not letting her go as I've so easily let the other ones slip away.

She means too much to me.

My search is over.

There are girls from my past that will always have a special place in my heart but she means the world to me....

She relates to me more than anyone ever could.

To be honest this blog doesn't even bother me anymore to write...

I'm content. I'm happy. I don't know where I'll be next year, but I know I'll be with my girl.

I guess we'll see right? lol

Anyways I'll make another update one day.

Bai ^_^

Tired.

Hi.

I'm Jeff.

I'm pretty weird.

I'm also rather crazy.

But I'm very sharp minded.

I suppose the word you could use to describe me is "Eccentric".

I'm really funny when I want to be.

I'm really stupid when I want to be.

I'm really smart when I want to be.

I'm really anything when I want to be...

I am a very spontaneous person.

I can't stay in one spot for too long.. Physically or Mentally.

I love life and everything it has to offer, but I also hate life and wish I was dead.

I'm someone who's been blessed with a lot of luck, and fortunate circumstances.

But the sad part is all of my talents are wasted on me.

I'm amazing in theory, but useless in practice.

I'm an amazing friend to some, and a terrible friend to others..

I'm a different person with everyone I talk to, and I don't know why.

I suppose because I have such a diverse personality that I can't just stay as one thing.

I am a very happy person but also a very depressed person.

I'm very strange even to myself.

I haven't encountered another such as myself in all my years.

I don't think I ever will.

I've encountered a lot of people with similar personalities as me, but none with the whole package that is "me".

So I suppose I am "unique".

Which kind of sucks, but I suppose I have to just get used to it.

I don't really like people.

I get bored easily of conversations.

But I'm really nice so I don't say it.

I still haven't figured out if I'm just really perceptive, or I've unwittingly tapped into something bigger than myself and am hitching a ride on someone/something else.

I'm a very positive person, but very morbid.

I've seen people die countless ways.

I'm not surprised or shocked by anything anymore.

I've become someone totally different since the Krystal stage.

All of my innocence has left.

Oh by the way I met Isaac in person, we hung out a few times. Went to church.

It was pretty fun, we're still good friends.

I think I'm his only friend.

I don't mind being his only friend.

I just hate conversing with him now a days though.

He too is a shell of his former self.

I'm very wild and spontaneous when I'm with him, to try to break him out of his shell.

But it hasn't been working.

I really miss the way we used to be.. But we both ran out of the fuel that drove us to such conversations.

I used to think all I ever wanted was thought provoking conversations with people.

But I suppose I'm burnt out of it. I honestly don't care anymore about the deep things of life.

I guess because no one can challenge me.

People give their insight and I either already knew that or I know better and I explain my view to them and they're like "Wow I didn't think of that".

So I guess Isaac spoiled me a lot.

But I now understand what he meant when he said he didn't want to drag anyone into his pit.

I'm now in the same pit as him, and I can't say that I regret it.. But I don't like it.

No... I've evolved past Isaac.

I'm "deeper" in this pit than him.

But whether it's because he stopped caring at some point, or I just have a larger capacity than him I don't know.

Don't really care.

I'm alone regardless.

It would be nice to have someone like me to talk to.

Someone who's just like me.

As I said... I've become someone totally different since the Krystal stage.

That had a huge impact on my life and how I see things.

But I've come to a point in my life where I just don't care about anything anymore.

I've become fat and lazy and I just don't care to better myself anymore.

I see no point in it.

I've become a bitter old man trapped in a 21 year old's body.

But the fact that I'm not dead yet means that there's more to this madness.

There's more to this life that I need to learn.

I just wonder if I can live up to His expectations.

I doubt it. But you never know.. With God all things are possible.

All I care for at this point is rest.

I've burnt my mind out.

I've thought of so many things.

I've exhausted myself to the point where all I want to do is sleep. Forever.

I love sleep. So very much.

I'm tormented by my own thoughts. I can't shut them off.

Anyone else would have killed themselves by now, but I know that's not the answer.

I can't ever do something like that.... But perhaps I'm just not there yet.

Who knows..

I really should see a psychiatrist.

But I'd end up having them talk about their problems to me lol

I'm a really good psychiatrist.

I can see into people's souls.

I'm never wrong.

But I grow so tired of everything...

I grow so tired of being alone.. Being the only one who can see clearly..

I hate that I'm the only person I know with the powers that I have.

I feel like I'm part of a group that died off or forgot about me or something.

I wish there was someone else out there. I really do.

But that's too much to hope for.

I'm gonna go to sleep now. Goodnight.

Second

There is someone out there for me. Who or where or when she is, I do not know. All I know is I've had dreams of her my entire life.

In these dreams she's usually someone different, has a different body, but all in all I get the same feeling from her.

Whether or not she's the same soul in a different body, or I just had similar experiences with different people I do not know. But it is surely something to think about.

All my life, all of the encounters with various different women.. I have been searching for her. Wondering is this the girl? Is this the one I remember? Does/Will she remember me?

Having that in mind every time I meet someone new, it almost ruins the relationship between me and the new person.

Around 2004 ish.. I met a man online named Isaac. Before I met him, I assumed I was the smartest Gypsy around. After I met him I felt I was the second smartest Gypsy around. After I met his wife I felt like I was the third smartest Gypsy around, and after I met his sister I felt like the fourth smartest Gypsy around. Eventually he had a son... Who I had a feeling would replace me as the fourth smartest Gypsy around.. And so on.

I was intrigued by his wisdom. Everything he said was as if he knew what I was thinking, and just one upped me.

Nothing I could do fazed him. Everything he did fazed me.

I was so used to being so different that to see someone like me, but further advanced.. It was the best thing since sliced bread.

I instantly gained humility for the first time in my life. But to only those few people. To the rest of the world I still felt more significant.

Isaac became my best friend. Someone I would always look up to. Someone I thought I could trust with my life if need be.

I looked forward to talking to him. Always trying to one up him in some way, and show off something that I can do that I thought he couldn't. But at every turn he was there years before me.

I thought I could play guitar well.. Then to find out he's been in countless bands, and is better than anyone I know.

I thought I knew philosophy.. Until he showed me his own.

I thought him to be the long lost older brother I never had.

One day his sister came online on his name.

Her name was Krystal.

Me being the womanizer I was at the time, thought of her as another piece of meat.

Not exactly.. I had respect because it was Isaac's sister.. But I assumed her to be just like any other girl.

Once I saw her picture on her display.. I fell for her right then and there. She was (and is to this day) the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I had to get to know her. I had to have her for my collection.

I applied the same game to her that I applied to every other girl. I attempted to cast my fishing line and reeled in.

Except when I cast my fishing line in the water, all that came back was the bate. Mangled and twisted but still on the hook.

She was the first girl to ever turn me down in the way she did.

Any other girl that had turned me down in the past had basic reasons for turning me down.

Just see as friends, like someone else, already have a bf, etc.

It happened rarely, but when it happened it was understandable.

Krystal on the other hand turned me down not because of anything physical... but because I was not mentally at her level.

I was older than her physically, but I was too young for her mentally.

Which to me was odd because that was my excuse for turning down every other girl who liked me.

I felt myself to be superior to everyone and here this girl actually was superior to me. She didn't just say it, she proved it.

Just like Isaac, this girl... this woman I should say... showed me every way that made her older than me.

I was hooked on her. I needed her. She was the one, and that was it.

I was not her type. And her type was mature. And her type did not exist yet. Except only in her brother. Who was more mature than I thought I could ever be.

So... I spent the next 4 years in solitude, in my own thoughts, attempting to become what she would want. Not just to change myself for HER but because I felt that what she wanted... was what I needed to become regardless.

I felt it was a win/win situation. Grow up and get the girl. It was a flawless plan.

We rarely talked, Krystal and I.. But when we did it was always deep and meaningful conversations.

At least to me at the time.

Krystal would come online once every 4 to 6 months. But it was a string. Every day for about a week or two each time.

I would save the conversations and read them back religiously... to see if I made a mistake and to learn from it.

I took it way too seriously in hindsight.

We made plans (Isaac, Krystal and I) to go to Ohayocon. An Anime convention.

They lived in Texas, and I live in Cleveland, and Ohayocon is in Columbus. 2 hour drive from me, but they have to take a plane.

They didn't mind though. Loved Anime, and all that it represented. Wanted to go badly.

December 2007

I was so excited. I pre-purchased my ticket, and just had to wait for January 3rd 2008.

During this time Krystal and I got very close. After four years of getting inside her mind, and figuring out her formula of thinking, I finally changed myself to be what she would have wanted.

Not exactly, but very close with potential to go further.

She appeared to be recognizing this slowly..

We would talk till 6 or 7 in the morning every night on MSN.

Then on December 28th I believe.. Isaac and I were discussing travel plans. I was purchasing my bus ticket and he was purchasing his plain ticket.

On another conversation window I was talking to Krystal at the same time.

This is both of their conversation windows.

Jeff says:

arrival time at 11:55pm, 5:45pm, or 9:05pm

Jeff says:

which would u say

Jeff says:

ur the one drivin all that way, you could guestimate when u'll get in better than me

Jeff says:

11:55am **

Isaac says:

11:55pm

Jeff says:

latest is 9:10pm and 1:25am

Isaac says:

Guess I can shoot for am, lol

Jeff says:

lmao

Isaac says:

I'll just have to use my time controlling abilities

Jeff says:

lmao

Jeff says:

yes I know it was a stupid question

Jeff says:

lol

Jeff says:

9:10pm, or 1:25am lol

Isaac says:

am

Jeff says:

k

Jeff says:

return schedule, what time you think you'll leave monday

Isaac says:

From here?

Jeff says:

from there

Jeff says:

when u go back

Isaac says:

Not sure

Jeff says:

4:10am, 8:30am, 1:55pm

Jeff says:

doubt you'll leave later than 2:20pm

Now at roughly the same time this was Krystal's conversation window

krystal rae says:

think i had too much ice cream

Jeff says:

lol what kind

krystal rae says:

i put cookie crisp pieces in it

krystal rae says:

butter pecan

Jeff says:

o_o

Jeff says:

nice

krystal rae says:

*sick*

Jeff says:

lmao

krystal rae says:

I have some things to do afterwards, in Pennsylvania. So I wont be coming back this way for a bit.

Jeff says:

o_o

Jeff says:

wha

Jeff says:

damn it why am I always right =\

Krystal went offline... and that was the last I spoke to her.

This is part of the continued conversation in Isaac's window.

Jeff says:

sigh

Jeff says:

I'm inclined to ask

Jeff says:

wtf

Jeff says:

did u just screw up, or was that intentional

Isaac says:

Intentional, and a bit of boredom

Jeff says:

may I ask

Jeff says:

why

Jeff says:

all these years

Jeff says:

wtf

Isaac says:

Something about controlling one's life and thoughts. Somewhat..godlike.

Jeff says:

Is sara even real

Isaac says:

Shall this be where the curtain closes? I'm beginning to grow tired of this mindless act.

Jeff says:

Yes please explain

Jeff says:

Is ur name even isaac

Jeff says:

obviously aiden doesn't exist

Jeff says:

And you were right

Jeff says:

I did have the answer already

Jeff says:

just....hoped I was wrong

Isaac says:

You arent the first one, but the most interesting. You were too dependent on what wasnt real though, knowing the truth but believing a lie. That's not fun.

Jeff says:

True

Jeff says:

I've known for years...

Jeff says:

Just...like I said....didn't want it to be true

Jeff says:

but go on

Jeff says:

explain..please

Isaac says:

Animes do not exist, but the stories are intriguing. You want to believe, it even becomes apart of you. Changing you. Change is real, if I changed one person, then mission accomplished.

And basically that was that..

The last 4 years of my life were a complete and utter lie.

I had lived all that time, basically spent my entire teenage years living for Krystal, trying to be what she wanted me to be, but... she did not exist.

I do not regret it though. It was a learning experience. A very long learning experience. It was fun while it lasted..

But there's another side to the story I did not tell..

My family did not like the idea of me going to Columbus all by myself. I had just turned 18 at the time though so I was very rash and did not care about anything but getting my way.

I was forced to move out of my mother's house and with my grandparents who told me if I went, I would not have a place to stay when I get back.

I didn't care. I only wanted to see Krystal. I would do anything just to see her.

I gave up my family, my car (which was really nice by the way), my computer, my entire life.. Just to see this woman I loved.

It's a good thing he wasn't that heartless to make me go and find out there was no one coming. That would have been disastrous. Fortunately I made up with my family just in time and got everything back..

But now I have no purpose. I modeled my life to that life, and now it's gone. So what do I do now? That was my thoughts.

At the moment I still really don't know, but I'm takin it one step at a time.

Whenever, wherever, whoever that girl really is. The one from my dreams.. This is for her to know how much I care. And that I'm waiting for her. Patiently and happily.

Till next time

-Jeff

First

I have absolutely no idea what to write here. First blog post, so many ideas...so many thoughts... I think I'll just write exactly what comes to mind as it first comes to mind.

I am Jeffrey Ely. I sing, I play guitar, I like philosophy and science and church. Weird combo but not really.

I have no idea who I really am.

I go through life... this life... this thing..what ever it is.. doing things and I don't know who or what I am. I wonder in certain situations who I am and why I'm doing what ever it is I'm doing.

I have many deep rooted issues that come from a lot of things. I could get into it, but the end result is that they are now my issues and no one elses.

What ever the reason, the cause behind them... that is in the past, and now that I recognize these issues and where they come from, it is up to me to fix/solve them.

I pray to God... whoever that is. I have no idea really. People get so pissed off about different ideas of Him/Her/It/That... I really don't care bout holy/sacred texts that tell us of who He is..

I find great peace and comfort in a few of the verses of the Bible. I can't say that I've read the Koran, or any other holy book.. so I can not judge.

But I would assume it's basically the same as the bible, but different deity's names are changed around, and their miracles might vary.

But in the end it's the same... My God is bigger than your god. I capitalize My God, but leave your god small, lowercase and insignificant.

I honestly don't believe any of it. I feel there's something more to it. I feel they're on the right track though... But not for the reason they think.

I feel this super amazing awesome life force called God. I feel Him. I know He is there. I say He because I have no idea whether He is a She or an It or a Whatever, but for the sake of saving time... and so I don't have to keep typing He/She/It/That.... I'll just say He.

I feel Him all around me all the time. Well not all the time, but because of my own fault not His.

I know He see's me, and feels me. I know We are probably the same person/thing. Whether that makes him less amazing or me way more amazing I do not know.. But I do know that He and I exist and have a connection very very deep.

He always does what I ask, and never lets me down. Problem is there's stuff He wants me to do that I rarely/never do.... That is very mean and cruel, and makes it seem like He's my horse.. And in a way the way I treat Him....He kinda is.

And I feel bad about that. But not bad enough to actually do something about it. Why? I have no idea... I am a very lazy and sinful person. Slothful.. I can barely find the energy to sit back on my chair and type with my wireless keyboard in my lap while staring at the screen with a very plain, lifeless, Steven Hawking stare... Let alone fulfill the only requests of the life force who gives me strength and keeps me safe..

He does not ask for much at all.. In fact the only things he really asks of me would benefit me only. I can't imagine Him asking something of me that would benefit Him as well. I can't imagine anything benefiting him, considering he is the very definition of the word benefit..

He has everything he could want...and if he doesn't.... he has it now because he just thought of it.

So how then can I help someone who doesn't need help? By helping myself.

That's all He asks....to clean my room, to work out, to not be mean to my mother, to tell someone on the street that it's gonna be okay and that God will take care of it, that God has their back...

The things He asks of me are well within my power to do....but I don't. WHY?


Why....


Why?

I have an idea...

I must be Satan...

Or a spawn of his..

No that's silly... or is it?

Is it really? Yes it must be because I just said so...?

No.. I'm not really the spawn of/or actually am Satan..

I am not because I feel the love of God upon me. Never giving up. But why then does it take me so long to do something I should do soooooooo fast....

If you figure that one out, and how to solve it... I'll be in your debt.

Till next time
-Jeff